Wednesday, April 6, 2016

what my heart beats for.

as i sit down to write my first blog since being back, i always think to hard. there was so much that happened. so many feelings. so many tears. a feeling of desperation & longing for these children's lives to be completely different. i want so much for them. i want a loving environment. i want good education. i want them to feel safe. i want them to know JESUS. a true, real relationship with the father. i want them to feel like they belong. i feel overwhelmed today with my calling. a lot of things i am stepping out in faith for. BIG THINGS. i HATE asking for people to donate on go fund me pages. i HATE asking for money, but i think about the kids & it pushes me to ask. i play it safe a lot of times. it is hard for me to go out on my own & do something. sometimes i need someone to hold my hand or be in my corner. the lord is constantly pushing me past my comfort zone. pushing me to only NEED him.  pushing me past my fears & completely trusting him with what my heart beats for. it is so scary. so scary for me- these decisions i am making. at the end of the day i have to tell myself. THIS is what i was meant for. THIS is my purpose. no one & nothing will keep me from reaching every step the lord is preparing for me. he is opening doors i only dreamed of as a 10 year old. man oh man the dreams i had as a kid i thought were just dreams. in all reality the lord was preparing my heart for these moments so many years ago. everything i have been through in life is helping me to walk this journey. helping me to love deeper. to break down walls. to help reveal to this next generation of Haitians that God has SO much he wants them to do. to help discover their dreams, to help them learn to walk in forgiveness, to help them be strong in their faith, to teach them skills to prepare them for the world. i just want to show them a mirror & say you see that face looking back at you. THAT is the face of someone who is going to bring change to your country. THAT is the face of someone who was meant for great things. THAT is the face of someone who will lead people to the lord. THAT is the face of a preacher, a doctor, a teacher, a mother, a father, a farmer, an architect, a soccer player, a soccer coach, a dentist, a surgeon, a lawyer, a missionary, whatever it is that they want to be. i want to be there when their sick. it is cute because i always take a first aid kit with me & if one of them get the smallest little scratch they come running to me asking for a bandaid. they don't have mothers or fathers. when i am there i don't mind putting bandaids on every little scratch. i don't mind teaching them about brushing their teeth. i don't mind reading heart wrenching files about their lives & the abuse they come from. all of this helps me reach them better. it pushes me to make things happen. THEY push me to TRUST the lord in everything on a whole new level. i am completely thankful for each one of those kids.

one of my little sweeties, jameson, wrote me the sweetest letter. he said that when i am there with him he forgets about all of his problems. it broke my heart. i am so happy that when i am there he forgets his pain & his past BUT i am sad bc when i leave who is there to hug him in the morning. who is there to tell him he has the best smile. who is there to tell him that he matters. when i go to sleep at night these thoughts fill my mind. sometimes i just cry bc i don't know what to do with all of my feelings. i take a shower & tears sting my eyes bc every little thing reminds me of them. i stand there crying & asking God what his plan is. so much struggle. so much pain. sometimes i feel so alone. i   feel like no one understands what i feel.  i feel like a crazy person for how much love i have for these kids. so many questions BUT within all of this, there is so much joy. joy i never knew existed. a happiness that only God can give. when i am there i don't think about the time. i don't think about how hot it is. i don't think about how my legs, back, arms, head, everything hurts from all the physical labor we do. i don't think about how i am missing my stupid starbucks coffee. i don't think about my air conditioned home. i don't think about my comfortable bed. i don't think about clean sheets. in those moments with them i am completely present & aware of the fact that i am the happiest person in the world & how i feel so undeserving of such happiness. within such heart ache i am in my happy place. when you find your calling in life PURSUE it. PURSUE it with everything you have. don't let anything or anyone keep you from that. whatever it might be. God has such purpose for every person reading this. nothing is too big or too small for God. i feel so incredibly blessed that my life has led me to this. every struggle i have had has made me stronger. every loss has made me stronger. every job has given me a skill that led to this. every tear. every day i cried out of frustration bc i had no idea what i wanted to do. every little day dream. every day i changed my mind on what i wanted to do. it has all led me to this. to them.

thank you to every person that writes me & tells me i inspire them.  thank you to everyone who prays for me. thank you to every person that puts up with my go fund me pages. thank you to every person that donates money. donates your time. reads my blogs. prays for my kids. prays for haiti. thank you to every person that talks to me for hours on the phone & encrouages me to keep pressing on. i NEED that. i NEED your prayers. so so so much. without YOU i couldn't do what i do. i feel so humbled. i am crying writing this bc i have so many emotions. it is not an easy thing to do what i do, but its so incredibly easy to love these kids. thank you God for calling me to haiti. thank you for giving me strength to go deeper in my walk with you. thank you for opening doors. thank you for what the present & the future holds. thank you for trusting me to love & to serve. thank you for everything you have blessed me with. help me to never take anything for granted. help the things that matter matter & the things that don't matter help me to forget about them. help me to stay focused on YOU & what you are saying. help me to give more. help me to continue to break down the walls around my heart. help me to trust you on a deeper level. thank you for always providing. you are such a good father.

this is what my heart beats for.